its 11 am . &i cant sleep cos i've been falling asleep th whole day . &currently, i've been thinkin bout my life . idk how to put in th right words , but i rly feel like ranting bout it , so here goes.

looking at my exs now, they look so happy with their new life. me ? idk. i guess i am happy. with wonderful girlfriends, &also new found halal family(: they're great people, but sometimes, it just made me stop to think . why dont i have that specail someone ? maybe i do . &maybe i dont. see what i mean . i dont even know. even if i do , i have 2nd thoughts. idk what's making me cling on to him but i just hope he's trying his best to change ? having someone who doesnt truly understand you. get what i mean ? all i want is for him to know what a normal girl like me wants from a guy . i dont want him to be taught on how to treat me . that's plain stupid. or worse, me making an obvious hint on what i expect. sometimes, i jsut wish fr th past. sometimes i just wonder, what's lacking in me ? is it me , or all th other guys . &i think i forgot how it feels like to be a girlfriend. seriously , when i see people saying ily to each other, i'll be like ' urgh . do you fucking know what love is' not like i do , but they say it cheaply . like y'know. its so disgusting . then some that doesnt appreciate their loved ones, makes me think back bout my past. &i definitely regret. okay, dont sidetrack . now, all i rly hope, is that i'll get this cleared &make th right choice. whether i choose any of them , or continue my life this way (:

you're th one i miss,
you're th one i always think of.
but why dont you know what to do always ? it sucks y'know.

did i lose my love to someone better ?